Achilles' Secret Diary
by screamstar
Summary: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Very funny, honest, just give it a go. Pwetty pwease R&R? Even read and flame if you will...


**A/N** - This story is part of a larger group effort, albeit a small part and insignificant compared to the other parts. Goodness knows what posessed me, as apart from drooling over some very good-looking leads, this movie annoyed me no end. Very good movie, but damn them and their leaving out the gods threatens Hollywood with Furies again And Cassandra rocks in corner Why no Cassandra damnit? Why no Hecube?! Anyhoo, on with the diary. ups meds Ahh, that's better....

**Disclaimer** - I own nothing. And a good job too, or the repair bills on Bana would be astronomical...

Achilles' secret diary...

**Day 1**

Rather annoyed really. Last night, drank a flagon of mead too many, and wandered into some sort of women only party. While being thrown out, appear to have pulled two of the attendees. All going pretty well really, until some kid ran in and woke me up during my mid-morning nap with a message from Agammemnon, who allegedly got his head out of his own arse long enough to send said message. Went to battle, saw off some little old woman of a champion. Went back to bed. The women were gone, they'd left a calling card though...

Damn kid getting me to fight. Oh well, wimmin'.

**Day 2**

Zzzz....

**Day 6 **

Post battle piss-up hangover almost gone. Will report back.

**Day 11**

Was quite happily romping away with Patroclus behind some bushes, when Odysseus decided to show his smart-arsed self. I swear, men aren't supposed to be like that. Rather effeminate if you ask me. Told me a couple of the lads are organising a booze cruise to Troy this week. Asked if I wanted in on it. At least I think we're going on a booze cruise. Was rather preoccupied rearranging very this-season sarong, misplaced by earlier activities.

_Later..._

The 1,000 ships thing makes a lot more sense now. I had thought it was a bit excessive for a few kegs and a couple of thousand ciggies mind you, but I didn't question it. Apparently am going to get some runaway bird back, Helen of Sparta. She legged it with Paris. Wimmin', more trouble than they're worth sometimes.

_1 hour later..._

Ahh, I remember her now. Bit of a kinky bugger, was that one. I didn't know how multi-purpose candle wax was before I met her. Still, face that launched a thousand ships? I wouldn't float a wood worm ridden dinghy for that one. Her kinkiness was rather over compensating for what she lacked in other areas if you get what I'm saying.

**Day 12**

Went to mum's for tea. Caught her making scones for her Mount Olympus WI meeting tonight. Went down the beach to catch some rays. I'm looking rather pale. She told me if I went away I would die. That's going to sap a bit of my holiday spirit. Oh well, I'm not a big girl's chiton like Odysseus. I'm off.

**Day 15**

We are sailing, we are sailing...

**Day 45**

Patroclus a bit touchy about the Vestal (not really 100) Virgins incident. Refuses to even speak to me. Which is fine by me, because he was threatening the 'Where are we in our relationship?' talk before I went and shagged a pair of overhyped, undersexed nuns.

**Day 60**

In sight of Troy. Appear to have knack for pissing off friends today.Eudorus not too amused about me sailing ahead. He says he get that I was probably starved of attention as a child and therefore understands my glory fixation, but I don't know what was to come after that, because a clip round the ear soon shut him up.Must restrict his access to those Athens Open University evening classes, he's getting a bit too smug for my liking. And for his own good..

Patroclus not too amused about me making him watch the ship while we do the fighting. He might think his childish tactics will get to me, but I still got the powaaa...

_Later_

Got on beach. Could feel daggers in back from Patroclus' general direction. Killed Trojans. Sacked temple. Met Hector. Decent bloke, nice hair, nice eyes, good manners, hot arse. Better not let Patroclus see him, he could go off of me for good.

_Later_

Made up with Patroclus behind a tent. Twice. Then again behind Menelaus' ship. Mind me on to send him some stain devil for that. Also met up with Ajax. He was a bloody nightmare on that Spartan holiday. I'm sure it was him who got me that drunk the night Helen educated me about the many and varied uses of a feather duster.

--

Pleasant surprise waiting for me in my tent. Some royal bird with a spiritual conscience they nicked from a temple. Guess Apollo's going to get a bit mad about this. Ah well, she's a feisty little bugger this one. Never stopped whining.

Also, advances not working on her. This hasn't happenned before. She must bat for the other team as it were. Explains why she doesn't want anything this manly...

_Later_

Went to see Agamemmnon. When I managed to get past the many heads occupied in kissing his arse, he informed me that he didn't want any money from me, which I thought was pretty decent of him, until he told me he was taking Briseis instead. Told him that if she wouldn't have this hot stuff then there was no way she would touch him with a barge pole. Besides, he has Clytemnestra, and whichever kids he hasn't sacrificed this week, to think about.


End file.
